(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

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[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.


I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.


I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.


Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.


Go away kid, I don’t have bubble wrap.

That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up


Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.


“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*


I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.


I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids


The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.