(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
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If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big