(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
You Might Also Like
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
work smarter, not harder
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
moms in horror movies
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.