*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
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I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Hank is one in a melon.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!