Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
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IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
A tragic love story in two pictures.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Sell your car
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
stop