Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
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I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
a god among men
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”