Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
seems like a niche market