[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
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*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is