[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
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This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”