Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
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Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s