[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
You Might Also Like
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?