@mrjohndarby

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

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@GashleyMadison

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

@Tmoney68

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

@lloydrang

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

@carlyken

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

@Dis0beyJay

[ First Date ]

Her: So you’re a MMA fighter?

* flashback to me kickboxing a mannequin at Nordstrom’s *

Me: Yea, I’m still training

@wolfmannjr

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

@_Bad_Karma

HR says I’m no longer allowed to use Batman-style smoke bombs to sneak out of meetings because of some Health and Safety bullshit