Coworker: What would be your ideal-
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
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Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
This whiskey tastes like I should tell you what your problem is.
[ First Date ]
Her: So you’re a MMA fighter?
* flashback to me kickboxing a mannequin at Nordstrom’s *
Me: Yea, I’m still training
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
HR says I’m no longer allowed to use Batman-style smoke bombs to sneak out of meetings because of some Health and Safety bullshit
One man’s sprinkler is another man’s bidet