*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
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People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.