Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
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What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
What about a To-Don’t List?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf