Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
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Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met