Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
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Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Tastes like chicken.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me