*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
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My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.