Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
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Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.