Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
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Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
when dads have a rap battle
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Mood.. 😂
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.