*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
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Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]