@frogshack

[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell

You Might Also Like

@Cryptic1iam

Me: I’ve read the Bible cover to cover

Her: Yeah? Prove it.

M: How?

H: What is the first sentence in it?

M: “Do not remove from motel”

@LlamaInaTux

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:2;}

@ThisOneSayz

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

@notalogin

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

@CoopSoSarc

I was feeling great about myself when I saw my number on the womens bathroom wall ‘for a good time’.

Then I recognized my hand writing.

@3sunzzz

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

@iwearaonesie

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant