My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve read the Bible cover to cover
Her: Yeah? Prove it.
H: What is the first sentence in it?
M: “Do not remove from motel”
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Can I come inside the house?
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I was feeling great about myself when I saw my number on the womens bathroom wall ‘for a good time’.
Then I recognized my hand writing.
how did harry potter get down the hill?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?
– me watching my kids Christmas pageant