[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
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4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
When can I start eating bats again.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon