Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁