Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

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MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom


[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”


Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.


Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one


HR: Let’s talk about why you were late today.
Me: I told you!
Me: Duh. That’s why I was late.


I dated a magician once; she put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel…..


Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.


I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.