Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
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‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me