MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
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[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.
I don’t eat some foods.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
HR: Let’s talk about why you were late today.
Me: I told you!
HR: DRAGONS AREN’T “RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!”
Me: Duh. That’s why I was late.
I dated a magician once; she put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel…..
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.