no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
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Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Kid: What’s a man?
Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you.
Kid: When i grow up, I’ll be a man like mom
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Hey girl, heard you really like pandas
*Seductively eats bamboo*