Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
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Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
🍞🦆
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.