Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
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All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
God: The bones will fall out of their mouths as children to teach them that bodies are full of betrayal
Angel: So, new diet not going well?
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK