Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…

It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother

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Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.


All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.


God: The bones will fall out of their mouths as children to teach them that bodies are full of betrayal

Angel: So, new diet not going well?


whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!


That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.


Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!


THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?


I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen


I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.


No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK