[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
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[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.