*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
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If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Monday Lisa
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
work smarter, not harder
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%