pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
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i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Spell check is for lasers.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.