Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
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This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
#SuperBowl
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.