Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
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You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.