*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.
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Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I’m writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Just watched a guy cut up his burrito into dozens of little pieces. I wonder how many people he’s murdered.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
DR. BABY: Ma’am, I’m sorry. We were unable to reattach your husband’s nose
WOMAN: *Cries into hands*
DR. BABY: Wait where did she go