@THEINBREDCAT

Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.

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@TheAlexP

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

@DanMentos

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

@TheBoydP

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…

@drhappyknuckles

I’m writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.

@Mitchoacan

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

@TheAndrewNadeau

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

@Home_Halfway

Just watched a guy cut up his burrito into dozens of little pieces. I wonder how many people he’s murdered.

@TrashCave

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

@P_o_n_k

DR. BABY: Ma’am, I’m sorry. We were unable to reattach your husband’s nose

WOMAN: *Cries into hands*

DR. BABY: Wait where did she go