*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
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Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.