@THEINBREDCAT

Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.

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@Diamond_Jax

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

@psybermonkey

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

@jellybnbonanza

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

@JillianKarger

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

@Sickayduh

I’m gonna strap a snowblower on my roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.

@ashdal2012

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

@copymama

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

@kumailn

Be great if just once the winning actor was like “I mean it wasn’t a particularly strong group this year, but still.”

@killazilla

HR- do you know why we called you down here today?
Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride?
HR…
Me- a house landed on your sister

@KyleMcDowell86

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following