(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.
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Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
Genie is now following you.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I’m gonna strap a snowblower on my roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Be great if just once the winning actor was like “I mean it wasn’t a particularly strong group this year, but still.”
HR- do you know why we called you down here today?
Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride?
Me- a house landed on your sister
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following