[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
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After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
When ur friends with white people
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.