[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
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My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Love this guy
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
my dad when a sex scene comes on
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea