@Shen_the_Bird

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

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@StellaRtwot

I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say “You’re tired I should go.”

@SadieSkyNinja

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

@KylePlantEmoji

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

@ericsshadow

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

@OneFunnyMummy

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

@good2go013

Canada has seasons:

Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.

@better_off_dad2

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

@impaulmccoy

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

@Cidisn

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.