[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

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I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say “You’re tired I should go.”


I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.


Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?


[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME


[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*


You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.


Canada has seasons:

Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.


I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.


I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.


*turns around in chair dramatically*
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
…, Repair-Man.