I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say “You’re tired I should go.”
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
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I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Canada has seasons:
Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…