[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
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Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this