Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
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Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”