*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
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Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.