[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
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The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.