Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
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Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Always the camel, never the toe.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Put this video in the Louvre
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.