I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
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I accidentally sent my kids to Mimecraft camp and haven’t heard from them since.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
People say you can be anything you want to be.
That’s bullshit because I really want to be asleep
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x