@NewDadNotes

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

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@Darlainky

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

@StranDadAbroad

I accidentally sent my kids to Mimecraft camp and haven’t heard from them since.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

@theshantilly

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

@jordan_stratton

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

@Delilah2141

People say you can be anything you want to be.

That’s bullshit because I really want to be asleep

@TheToddWilliams

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

@TheSharona06

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.