*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
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I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure