Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
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Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze