“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
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I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.