Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
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My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
she has a point
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Strange
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.