@TheAndrewNadeau

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

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@hipchkk

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

@skickwriter

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

@DaddyGrownup

Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.

@LauraFred

You know what’s fucked? As people keep going out and acting like covid isn’t a big deal, my nurse friends and I (in our 20s) are contemplating whether it’s time to get our wills drawn up. Because we know not all of us will make it. Hope you had fun at the beach, Karen.

@usermcuserface

Mary Lincoln: we’re going to that play tonight, and that’s final!

Abe Lincoln: ugh… how can this day get any worse?

@seamussaid

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

@just1fool

The last beer didn’t tell me why life is so confusing but it told me the next one would.

@thatUPSdude

Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.

@_Bad_Karma

911:What’s your emergency?
M:I’ve been shot..
911:ok sir,keep calm now..
M:thru the heart..and you’re to blame
911:Mr Jovi,this has to stop.