Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
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i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Kermit goes Blue.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*