Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

the composer

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…