a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
You Might Also Like
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I created you as mosquito food.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there