watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

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Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.


Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.


[At Wedding Ceremony]

Me: [Distributing my visiting cards] I’m a divorce lawyer


“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets


Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.


Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.


I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”


I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.


All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss


Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…