Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
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If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I think we should hear other voices.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it