@kathbarbadoro

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

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@TheBoydP

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

@kipconlon

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

@Jerrypleasure

[At Wedding Ceremony]

Me: [Distributing my visiting cards] I’m a divorce lawyer

@daemonic3

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

@funnybeachgirl

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

@castawaykristen

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

@NikiWithIssues

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

@Robert_Beau

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

@GeorgiaBarns

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

@djdarrellripley

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…