*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
You Might Also Like
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong