*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
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me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”