[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
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Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.