@sofarrsogud

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

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@SirEvisiae

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

@alyssalimp

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

@causticbob

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

@RickAaron

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

@harambevan

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

@ThisOneSayz

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

@UnFitz

Congratulations on your gold medal in the conclusion jump.

@thenatewolf

I have a hot house to protect me from the cold outside. Inside my hot house I have a smaller cold house to protect my food from the heat of my hot house.

@TheAlexNevil

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.