[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

You Might Also Like


Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*


Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling


Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.


I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.


My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?


Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.


Congratulations on your gold medal in the conclusion jump.


I have a hot house to protect me from the cold outside. Inside my hot house I have a smaller cold house to protect my food from the heat of my hot house.


Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.