[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

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No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.


Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?


BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family


i order a pizza online and under special requests i write: “tell me the meaning of life”. when the door bell rings there’s only an empty box


(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂


Husband bought both kids lightsabers that make 7 different sounds, loudly.

It was really nice knowing you all. Hopefully I can tweet from prison.


I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.


Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.


So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.